Apparently the UD model first released under Windows 98 is considered so obsolete that Wacom had decided to stop making drivers for it. This wouldn't be a problem, except that it flips the eff out on Windows 7/Vista and doesn't recognize the tablet AT ALL. Wacom's responses to people flipping their shit over this is more or less along the lines of "there are comparability issues with a 64 bit system" and "get a fucking tablet that isn't 15 years old, asshole." Fuck you in the ear, Wacom. I've tried like 5 different things, including registry hacks, one single third party driver that I've found, and even trying to run the damn thing on the virtual machine. FFFFFFFFFFF. I don't want a new tablet because the one I have is a 12x12 and I tried drawing on Scone's shitass tiny babytablet last night, which was basically like drawing on a fucking marmalade baby's face, if the baby was also magnetized and caused all my strokes to make perfectly straight lines. DLFKSJDFLSDKFSLDKfSDf SO PISSED OFF.
Basically, 1) if anyone has any suggestions I would like to hear them, or 2) does anyone want an AWESOME WONDERFUL GINORMOUS serial port tablet that only operates on 32 bit systems and/or up to Windows XP (also possibly Macs because they have a 3rd party driver that actually works, fuckers).